DEREK AND BENJAMIN

Fall had arrived to the land of Somewhere. The leaves were changing from green to red or yellow or brown, the temperature still remained at summer levels, and a tractor was working in the fields as Derek would puff along the track.

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Later, Derek saw the tractor up close. “Ah, hello,” said the tractor, “I'm Benjamin. Who are you?” “I'm Derek, who are you?” “I just told you I'm Benjamin.” “Oh, yeah,” replied Derek. “Well, you've got ugly wheels!” “They're not ugly. They're continuous tracks,” said Benjamin. “I can go anywhere, anywhere, anywhere; I don't need rails like you!” “I don't wanna go anywhere, anywhere, anywhere,” said Derek, “I like my rails, so fuck you!”

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Both Benjamin and the audience knew that by the end of the story, Derek would get into a sticky situation and be rescued by Benjamin's continuous tracks, causing him to have a change of heart. And they'll end up being correct, of course, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

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Anyway, winter came with dark clouds full of snow (and to any SJW-types reading this, I'm referring the clouds being dark gray, nothing to do with African-Americans; go worry about actual bigotry). Getting back on track (no pun intended despite what you might think)--ah, fuck it! Let's start over!

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Winter came with dark clouds full of snow. “I don't like it,” said Derek's driver. “A major snowstorm is said to arrive. I hope it doesn't hinder our work.” “Bullshit!” said Derek. “Snow's soft stuff, like cocaine! There's nothing to it!” And he kept on chugging along the line, feeling cold yet confident.

​​​

They finished their journey safely, but the whole nation was covered in snow by now. Derek noticed something large, purple, and strange-looking near the station: A snowplow. “You'll need your snowplow for the next trips, Derek,” explained his driver. “Puh! Snow is soft shit; it's literally fucking frozen water. It won't stop me!”

The snowplow was heavy, uncomfortable, and it pissed Derek off. He shook it and he banged it and he banged it and he shook it and he book it and he shanged it and he shanged it and he book it. “You seem to enjoy your snowplow,” laughed Derek's driver. “As the narrator just said, you're banging it and you're shanging it; that sounds rather dirty.” Angered by the undignified sexual implications, he wheeshed his driver immensely. When they got back home, the snowplow had been so damaged the driver had to remove it. “You're an arrogant piece of shit,” snapped his driver.

​​

Next morning, Derek's driver and fireman arrived early to try to fix the snowplow, but they couldn't make the damn thing fit no matter what. Derek was ecstatic about this news. “Thank fuck I don't have to wear that goddamn, piece-of-shit snowplow anymore. Only motherfucking retards who can't handle soft shit like snow only wear those shitty things!” His driver, however, was very worried. “It's okay here,” he said to the fireman, “but it's sure to be shitty in the valley.”

“Silly soft shit,” scoffed Derek, pulling some passenger-filled coaches. “I didn't need that retarded thing yesterday and I'm sure as hell not gonna need it today! Snow can't stop me!”

​​

He rushed into a tunnel, thinking how clever he was, but he was really retarded, as he was heading towards a massive snowdrift. “Holy fucking ass!” cried Derek, “I'm stuck!” And he was. “Back up, Derek! Back up!” said his driver. Derek tried, but his wheels spun and he couldn't move. The conductor ran away for help while everyone else tried to dig the snow away. But as quickly as they dug, more snow came down until Derek was almost buried.

 

“Oh my wheels and coupling rods! I'll have to stay here until I freeze to death! I'm such a goddamn idiot!” And Derek began to cry.

A bus had arrived to pick up the passengers. And then, who else should come to Derek's rescue, but Benjamin, just like I suggested earlier? Snow never bothers him! He pulled the empty coaches away, then came back for Derek. Derek's wheels were clear of snow, but they still spun around whenever he tried to move. Benjamin tugged and slipped and slipped and tugged and slugged and tipped and tipped and slugged and at last dragged Derek clear of the snow for the journey home.

“Thank you, Benjamin! Your continuous tracks are pretty cool!” said Derek. “I hope you'll be more sensible from now on, Derek,” said his driver. “I'll try,” said Derek, and puffed forward thinking how smart he was, but he was really retarded as he headed towards the snowdrift again.

“Holy fucking ass!” cried Derek, “I'm stuck!” And he was. “Back up, Derek! Back up!” said his driver. Derek tried, but his wheels spun and he couldn't move. The conductor ran away for help while everyone else tried to dig the snow away. But as quickly as they dug, more snow came down until Derek was almost buried.

 

“Oh my wheels and coupling rods! I'll have to stay here until I freeze to death! I'm such a goddamn idiot!” And Derek began to cry.

 

A bus had arrived to pick up the passengers. And then, who else should come to Derek's rescue, but Benjamin, just like I suggested earlier? Snow never bothers him! He pulled the empty coaches away, then came back for Derek. Derek's wheels were clear of snow, but they still spun around whenever he tried to move. Benjamin tugged and slipped and slipped and tugged and slugged and tipped and tipped and slugged and at last dragged Derek clear of the snow for the journey home.

 

“Thank you, Benjamin! Your continuous tracks are pretty cool!” said Derek. “I hope you'll be more sensible from now on, Derek,” said his driver. “I'll try,” said Derek, and puffed forward thinking how smart he was, but he was really retarded as he headed towards the snowdrift again.

 

“Holy fucking ass!” cried Derek, “I'm stuck!” And he was. “Back up, Derek! Back up!” said his driver. Derek tried, but his wheels spun and he couldn't move. The conductor ran away for help while everyone else tried to dig the snow away. But as quickly as they dug, more snow came down until Derek was almost buried.

 

“Oh my wheels and coupling rods! I'll have to stay here until I freeze to death! I'm such a goddamn idiot!” And Derek began to cry.

 

A bus had arrived to pick up the passengers. And then, who else should come to Derek's rescue, but Benjamin, just like I suggested earlier? Snow never bothers him! He pulled the empty coaches away, then came back for Derek. Derek's wheels were clear of snow, but they still spun around whenever he tried to move. Benjamin tugged and slipped and slipped and tugged and slugged and tipped and tipped and slugged and at last dragged Derek clear of the snow for the journey home.

 

“Thank you, Benjamin! Your continuous tracks are pretty cool!” said Derek. “I hope you'll be more sensible from now on, Derek,” said his driver. “I'll try,” said Derek, and puffed forward thinking how smart he was, but he was really retarded as he headed towards the snowdrift again.

 

“Holy fucking ass!” cried Derek, “I'm stuck!” And he was. “Back up, Derek! Back up!” said his driver. Derek tried, but his wheels spun and he couldn't move. The conductor ran away for help while everyone else tried to dig the snow away. But as quickly as they dug, more snow came down until Derek was almost buried.

 

“Oh my wheels and coupling rods! I'll have to stay here until I freeze to death! I'm such a goddamn idiot!” And Derek began to cry.

A bus had arrived to pick up the passengers. And then, who else should come to Derek's rescue, but Benjamin, just like I suggested earlier? Snow never bothers him! He pulled the empty coaches away, then came back for Derek. Derek's wheels were clear of snow, but they still spun around whenever he tried to move. Benjamin tugged and slipped and slipped and tugged and slugged and tipped and tipped and slugged and at last dragged Derek clear of the snow for the journey home.

 

“Thank you, Benjamin! Your continuous tracks are pretty cool!” said Derek. “I hope you'll be more sensible from now on, Derek,” said his driver. “I'll try,” said Derek, and puffed forward thinking how smart he was, but he was really retarded as he headed towards the snowdrift again.

“Holy fucking ass!” cried Derek, “I'm stuck!” And he was. “Back up, Derek! Back up!” said his driver. Derek tried, but his wheels spun and he couldn't move. The conductor ran away for help while everyone else tried to dig the snow away. But as quickly as they dug, more snow came down until Derek was almost buried.

 

“Oh my wheels and coupling rods! I'll have to stay here until I freeze to death! I'm such a goddamn idiot!” And Derek began to cry.

 

A bus had arrived to pick up the passengers. And then, who else should come to Derek's rescue, but Benjamin, just like I suggested earlier? Snow never bothers him! He pulled the empty coaches away, then came back for Derek. Derek's wheels were clear of snow, but they still spun around whenever he tried to move. Benjamin tugged and slipped and slipped and tugged and slugged and tipped and tipped and slugged and at last dragged Derek clear of the snow for the journey home.

“Thank you, Benjamin! Your continuous tracks are pretty cool!” said Derek. “I hope you'll be more sensible from now on, Derek,” said his driver. “I'll try,” said Derek, and puffed forward thinking how smart he was, but he was really retarded as he headed towards the snowdrift again.

 

“Holy fucking ass!” cried Derek, “I'm stuck!” And he was. “Back up, Derek! Back up!” said his driver. Derek tried, but his wheels spun and he couldn't move. The conductor ran away for help while everyone else tried to dig the snow away. But as quickly as they dug, more snow came down until Derek was almost buried.

 

“Oh my wheels and coupling rods! I'll have to stay here until I freeze to death! I'm such a goddamn idiot!” And Derek began to cry.

A bus had arrived to pick up the passengers. And then, who else should come to Derek's rescue, but Benjamin, just like I suggested earlier? Snow never bothers him! He pulled the empty coaches away, then came back for Derek. Derek's wheels were clear of snow, but they still spun around whenever he tried to move. Benjamin tugged and slipped and slipped and tugged and slugged and tipped and tipped and slugged and at last dragged Derek clear of the snow for the journey home.

 

“Thank you, Benjamin! Your continuous tracks are pretty cool!” said Derek. “I hope you'll be more sensible from now on, Derek,” said his driver. “I'll try,” said Derek, and puffed forward thinking how smart he was, but he was really retarded as he headed towards the snowdrift again.

 

“Holy fucking ass!” cried Derek, “I'm stuck!” And he was. “Back up, Derek! Back up!” said his driver. Derek tried, but his wheels spun and he couldn't move. The conductor ran away for help while everyone else tried to dig the snow away. But as quickly as they dug, more snow came down until Derek was almost buried.

 

“Oh my wheels and coupling rods! I'll have to stay here until I freeze to death! I'm such a goddamn idiot!” And Derek began to cry.

 

A bus had arrived to pick up the passengers. And then, who else should come to Derek's rescue, but Benjamin, just like I suggested earlier? Snow never bothers him! He pulled the empty coaches away, then came back for Derek. Derek's wheels were clear of snow, but they still spun around whenever he tried to move. Benjamin tugged and slipped and slipped and tugged and slugged and tipped and tipped and slugged and at last dragged Derek clear of the snow for the journey home.

 

“Thank you, Benjamin! Your continuous tracks are pretty cool!” said Derek. “I hope you'll be more sensible from now on, Derek,” said his driver. “I'll try,” said Derek, and puffed forward thinking how smart he was, but he was really retarded as he headed towards the snowdrift again.

 

“Holy fucking ass!” cried Derek, “I'm stuck!” And he was. “Back up, Derek! Back up!” said his driver. Derek tried, but his wheels spun and he couldn't move. The conductor ran away for help while everyone else tried to dig the snow away. But as quickly as they dug, more snow came down until Derek was almost buried.

 

“Oh my wheels and coupling rods! I'll have to stay here until I freeze to death! I'm such a goddamn idiot!” And Derek began to cry.

A bus had arrived to pick up the passengers. And then, who else should come to Derek's rescue, but Benjamin, just like I suggested earlier? Snow never bothers him! He pulled the empty coaches away, then came back for Derek. Derek's wheels were clear of snow, but they still spun around whenever he tried to move. Benjamin tugged and slipped and slipped and tugged and slugged and tipped and tipped and slugged and at last dragged Derek clear of the snow for the journey home.

 

“Thank you, Benjamin! Your continuous tracks are pretty cool!” said Derek. “I hope you'll be more sensible from now on, Derek,” said his driver. “I'll try,” said Derek, and puffed forward thinking how smart he was, but he was really retarded as he headed towards the snowdrift again.

 

“Holy fucking ass!” cried Derek, “I'm stuck!” And he was. “Back up, Derek! Back up!” said his driver. Derek tried, but his wheels spun and he couldn't move. The conductor ran away for help while everyone else tried to dig the snow away. But as quickly as they dug, more snow came down until Derek was almost buried.

 

“Oh my wheels and coupling rods! I'll have to stay here until I freeze to death! I'm such a goddamn idiot!” And Derek began to cry.

 

A bus had arrived to pick up the passengers. And then, who else should come to Derek's rescue, but Benjamin, just like I suggested earlier? Snow never bothers him! He pulled the empty coaches away, then came back for Derek. Derek's wheels were clear of snow, but they still spun around whenever he tried to move. Benjamin tugged and slipped and slipped and tugged and slugged and tipped and tipped and slugged and at last dragged Derek clear of the snow for the journey home.

 

“Thank you, Benjamin! Your continuous tracks are pretty cool!” said Derek. “I hope you'll be more sensible from now on, Derek,” said his driver. “I'll try,” said Derek, and puffed forward thinking how smart he was, but he was really retarded as he headed towards the snowdrift again.

 

“Holy fucking ass!” cried Derek, “I'm stuck!” And he was. “Back up, Derek! Back up!” said his driver. Derek tried, but his wheels spun and he couldn't move. The conductor ran away for help while everyone else tried to dig the snow away. But as quickly as they dug, more snow came down until Derek was almost buried.

 

“Oh my wheels and coupling rods! I'll have to stay here until I freeze to death! I'm such a goddamn idiot!” And Derek began to cry.

 

A bus had arrived to pick up the passengers. And then, who else should come to Derek's rescue, but Benjamin, just like I suggested earlier? Snow never bothers him! He pulled the empty coaches away, then came back for Derek. Derek's wheels were clear of snow, but they still spun around whenever he tried to move. Benjamin tugged and slipped and slipped and tugged and slugged and tipped and tipped and slugged and at last dragged Derek clear of the snow for the journey home.

 

“Thank you, Benjamin! Your continuous tracks are pretty cool!” said Derek. “I hope you'll be more sensible from now on, Derek,” said his driver. “I'll try,” said Derek, and puffed forward thinking how smart he was, but he was really retarded as he headed towards the snowdrift again.

 

“Holy fucking ass!” cried Derek, “I'm stuck!” And he was. “Back up, Derek! Back up!” said his driver. Derek tried, but his wheels spun and he couldn't move. The conductor ran away for help while everyone else tried to dig the snow away. But as quickly as they dug, more snow came down until Derek was almost buried.

 

“Oh my wheels and coupling rods! I'll have to stay here until I freeze to death! I'm such a goddamn idiot!” And Derek began to cry.

 

A bus had arrived to pick up the passengers. And then, who else should come to Derek's rescue, but Benjamin, just like I suggested earlier? Snow never bothers him! He pulled the empty coaches away, then came back for Derek. Derek's wheels were clear of snow, but they still spun around whenever he tried to move. Benjamin tugged and slipped and slipped and tugged and slugged and tipped and tipped and slugged and at last dragged Derek clear of the snow for the journey home.

 

“Thank you, Benjamin! Your continuous tracks are pretty cool!” said Derek. “I hope you'll be more sensible from now on, Derek,” said his driver. “I'll try,” said Derek, and he puffed backwards, towards home.

Derek the Steam Engine is designed to be parodic

and not intended for readers under the age of 18.

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