THE RETARDED STORY OF DAVID

Once, an engine pulling a train was triggered by some drops of rain. He blew smoke from his funnel, chugged into a tunnel, and it wouldn't come out again. [AUTHOR'S NOTE: This rhyme only works if you say this in a British accent where “again” is pronounced “a gain,” making it rhyme with rain, as opposed the American pronunciation “a-genn,” rhyming with “ten”.] The engine's name is David. His driver and fireman argued with him, but he would not move.

“The rotten rain will ruin my ravishing red paint,” he said. The conductor blew the hell out of his whistle until it flew out of his mouth, never to be seen again. Then, he waved his flag heavily until he managed to fly off the ground. But no matter what happened, David stayed in the tunnel and blew steam at him. “I'm not going to fuck up my red paint for you assholes!”

Then, along came Wilbert Vere Thomson, the man in charge of all the engines on Somewhere; you should've remembered this as this fact was established in the first story, which you can read on this website. But enough with the shameless self-promotion; back to the story!

“We will pull you out,” said Wilbert Vere Thomson. But David just blew steam at him. Everyone else had walked up to the engine to pull him. “My doctor has forbidden me to pull,” Wilbert Vere Thomson said to himself, “but I see no harm in trying it this one time.” They all pulled and pulled and pulled, but to no avail.

Then they tried pushing him out from the other end. “My doctor has forbidden me to push,” Wilbert Vere Thomson said to himself, “but I just pulled heavily and nothing happened. So, I'll try pushing, too.” The group had convened at the back of the train. “One, two, three, push!” yelled Wilbert Vere Thomson. They pushed and they pushed and they pushed and they pushed and they pushed and they pushed andkl dhelskjdsj lksdfaksldfjsldjadjlfnoajefdaskf;alvhovjdnafsd jlkwiodfsjFJSAOkflksadvvjdfnvjas;dlsda...;;.

Eventually, Derek came along. The conductor tried to use his red flag to stop Derek, but he kept on going. The conductor eventually decided to actually wave his red flag to make Derek stop, which indeed he did. Everyone was arguing with David.

“Look,” they said, “it's stopped raining. Stop your bitching and come on out!” “Yeah, but it could start again soon,” said David, “and what will happen to my red paint then?!” Derek puffed and pushed and pushed and puffed and puffed and pushed and pushed and pushed and puffed and puffed and pushed and pushed and puffed and pushed and pushed and puffed as hard as ever he could. But David still wouldn't get out of the tunnel.

Ultimately, even Wilbert Vere Thomson lost patience. “Fuck this!” he cried. “We shall take away your rails and keep you here for always and always and always and always and always and alaswouuhydl asdjdnsf hfoweiufhfbuadudfolfsadjkoiavenhfalsifdjjaksfadhlskfvjkAODFSJjlaidjskofdasdakl;fasd.;'asdf;lkaoadb

They took up the old rails and built walls in front and in back of David, so that other engines wouldn't crash into him. All David could do was watch the other trains pass through the opposite tunnel. Some would say hello to him while others would mock him heartlessly.

Poor David's steam had developed cancer and his fire had gone out to the bar for drinks. He was very sad, because he thought no one would see his red paint again, which was getting very sooty and dirty anyway.

He wondered if he would ever be released to see the light of day. But I think he deserved his punishment, don't you?

Yeah, I actually think he didn't deserve his punishment, either. Sure, he was just acting like a dick and caring more about his coat of paint than the passengers who had to be at destinations. But the proper punishment would be to force David into the sheds for being naughty while other transportation would be found for the passengers. He would at least be able to puff along the track again, as opposed to his present situation.

Maybe I should change the closing line...

Poor David's steam had developed cancer and his fire had gone out to the bar for drinks. He was very sad, because he thought no one would see his red paint again, which was getting very sooty and dirty anyway.

Now audience, how long do you think David would stay in the tunnel before he overcomes his fear of the rain before he decides to journey out again?

(Yeah, that's less harsh. Let's stay with that.)

Derek the Steam Engine is designed to be parodic

and not intended for readers under the age of 18.

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