top of page
Gary, the biggest and proudest dick of an engine on the Island of Somewhere.


When last we saw Derek and friends, David the Red Engine was still trapped in the tunnel. Poor David had been locked up in the tunnel for a great long while. It was many, many months, almost a year, but it felt much longer. He was afraid of the rain spoiling his vivid red paint, which was ruined anyway by the falling soot and dirt from the tunnel. David felt filthy, lonely, and miserable.

But as it is, he's not the main character of this story, so we're gonna ignore him and focus on Derek, the main character. He's a fussy little engine, always pulling coaches for the big engines to take on journeys. Whenever large trains return from their trips, he pulls the coaches away so that the big engines can go and rest. Derek is kind of an asshole and loves to play tricks on the bigger engines, including Gary, the proudest and biggest engine on all of Somewhere.

Derek would creep up on the resting engines, blow his whistle loudly, and rudely shouts, “Wake up, dickhead! Do some actual work, lazy-ass! Why don't you work hard?! You can't catch me!” Gary thought how he could get back at Derek. He discussed it with his driver and fireman. “I have an idea,” said his driver. He explained the plan to Gary. “I'll talk to the stationmasters about it.”

The next morning, Derek couldn't wake up. His fire went out. People were at the station, waiting impatiently for the express. At last, Derek arrived. “Hurry the hell up!” grumbled Gary. “Go hurry yourself!” snapped Derek. “I will,” said Gary. He backed up to the coaches. Derek waited to be uncoupled from the train, but as customers kept on entering the coaches, nobody arrived. Gary's chance had come.

Gary started immediately; Derek didn't get a chance to get uncoupled. “Come on!” Gary shouted to the coaches. “Peep peep! Stop!” cried Derek. “Hurry, hurry, hurray!” puffed Gary. “You're totally fucked! You're totally fucked!” laughed the coaches. “Oh, my wheels will never be the same again!” Derek thought sadly.

At last, they stopped at a station. Derek waited and waited but nobody arrived to uncouple him. Some passengers got off the train while others got on. Gary then started up quickly. “No, no!” cried Derek, “I'm still attached!” “Try to keep up! Try to keep up!” sneered Gary. “Boo hoo! Boo hoo! A left-winger is much luckier than you!” the coaches taunted.

Gary and the express thundered through the rails and over the viaduct. At last, they had stopped at another station. Derek had hoped that a stationmaster would notice him and uncouple him from the train, but as passengers exited and entered the coaches nobody arrived to uncouple him. When he was given the signal to depart, Gary puffed away in a hurry, “Ha ha ha!” he chortled and stormed through the railroad. “No, no!” cried Derek. “Not again!”

Almost as quickly as the express started, it stopped at the next station. Derek was pleased that this speedy ride was shorter, but again no one came to uncouple him from the coaches. Gary roared into the next station and thundered out to the next one. And arrived to the next one. And arrived to the next one. And arrived to the next one. And arrived to the next one. And arrived to the next one. And arrived to the next one. And arrived to the next one. And arrived to the next one. And arrived to the next one. And arrived to the next one.

Gary stormed out of the next station with Derek still attached. Derek's wheels started to ache as the train sped through the line for an extremely long time, even longer than when the express journey started. “Oh my fucking wheels and smoke box,” bitched Derek, “I may never be the same engine again!”

The journey seemed to take forever, but the express finally arrived at the next station. After some passengers departed the coaches and boarded, Derek still wasn't detached from the train. Gary then steamed away with breakneck speed, arriving shortly to the next stop. Then went to the next stop. And the next stop. And the next stop. And the next stop. And the next stop. And the next stop. And the next stop. And the next stop.

Finally, Gary pulled the express into the last station. The passengers departed from the coaches. At long last, a stationmaster came out and detached Derek from the coaches.

Derek felt silly and exhausted. He puffed onto a turntable, with everyone laughing at him. Then he went to a siding, out of the way. “Now you know what hard work means,” snarked Gary. Poor Derek had no steam to answer. He puffed away to rest and had many drinks, some Yuenglings among them. He went home very sluggishly and was cautious to never piss off Gary again.

Derek the Steam Engine is designed to be parodic

and not intended for readers under the age of 18.

bottom of page