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The logo for the fantasy comedy parody, "The Epiflairy," written in Adobe Caslon Pro Small Caps in gold and having a coarse appearance, similar to the Lord of the Rings logo.
In this rather teal illustration for Book III of the web comedy story series "The Epiflairy," Onsîn, the god of the underworld, abducts fair-haired Érmès, daughter of Jârbest, into his lair, also named Onsîn.

BOOK III

LOBA


For almost two years, the corpse of the crow remained on the forest floor,

its flesh, purged of its purpose to defend the bird’s innards from the perils of

the outside world, whether it be illness or other beasts or otherwise,

started to dissolve away from the crow, exposing his bone-white rib cage,

the osseous edges of his round eye sockets, and the skull before his black beak.


The skeleton of the crow eventually became what remained of the bird who

ingested the head of Mimidae, which was now liberated from the dark

passageway that was the crow’s throat, but now was also now just a bony skull

with moist, glossy plumage — a feature that was also being shared with the bones

of the crow who, in his last act in life, had ingested the hummingbird’s head

in a pitiful attempt to gain more gumption and rationale to improve his deceits.


The great mother goddess Ürt was pulled by her wheeled horses towards the

warm, bright realm of all-seeing Sån, hot daughter of Faír, and back towards

the dark domain of Mun the foot-born, from the fair noblewoman Chôstes,

with the rosy-fingered dawn flying before Mother Earth in between, several times,

when, as raging waters obstructed by a barrier of boulders of enormous proportion

in the course of time burst out of small slivers between the stones prior to

liberating itself in a robust, aggressive flood crashing to the ground, consuming

all in its path, so did the foul stenches from the crow’s corpse liberated themselves

in a robust, aggressive flood flying through the air.


The fetor flying through the air attracted many flies, their minuscule transparent pairs

of wings grinding against one another—that is, the respective pairs of minuscule transparent wings found on each individual fly, not all the insects miraculously rubbing one of

their own wing sets against those of another fly—producing the sound of a

chainsaw’s mechanics functioning, if only in a higher pitch.


The flies appeared as tiny black dots that speedily appeared at the scene

and vanished from view with the haste at which they originally appeared,

consuming as much of the dwindling nutrients from the corpse of the crow

as their microscopic mouths could consume.


With many days and nights, the final remains of the crow, now just

a few small piles of squalid feathers, glossy and disheveled, dissolved

into nothing, leaving no trace of the existence of a crow who had

consumed the hummingbird’s head in an attempt to be more adroit.


Meanwhile, in a different part of the forest, occurring at the same time,

pristine Pîur, fair daughter of Uáter and Uáter alone, born of no one else,

traveled down all the way from the peaks of mighty Jóli, through the

vast firmament that was the all-encompassing Scaîfadér, made equal

to mother Ürt and whose severed penises serve as the pillars of the world

as a result of his intense lust for the earth mother, as foretold way back

in the first book of the series.


Clean Pîur went to the forest to hopefully try to remove an in-grown nail

from her big toe. Lifting her leg up and placing her foot on a nearby

rock, the goddess of purity, as if you were somehow unable to decipher

that from her name, retrieved from the space of hammers her pair of

nail clippers to alleviate the swollen dactyl of her foot.


Not too far from where the goddess was trying to remove her in-grown nail,

Loba, from the local village, was collecting some plants for her home while

her husband was out hunting food and game for the village. Loba had a

loving husband with whom she bred some small children. She enjoyed

engaging in informal small talk with her tall, female friends, the other

wives of the village who preoccupy their time with sustaining the needs

of the men, their husbands and brothers and sons, who are so needed for

sustaining life in the village by hunting animals for food and armaments.


The sight of a dark emerald plant, distinguishing itself amongst the verdigris

grass on the forest floor, caught the eyes and consideration of Loba. The villager

developed a thought in her head almost immediately, as if a blinding strike

from the whip-like tail of terrible Tõndurǔr, the evil storm beast birthed by Èr,

reached the ground and completely annihilated a tree in a fiery explosion.


The thought from Loba also caused allurement to run through the dark maidens,

the trio of sisters the Feìts — clay-holding Ïestùr, life-writing Nao, and and clay-

solidifying Cómin — rulers of all lives, human, god, plant, animal, soft drink.


The thought that bolted into the mind of Loba, the thought that produced feelings

of enticement towards the sinister Feìts was this: The noticeable plant growing

from the emerald grass-coated surface of the forest, from the mother Ürt, appears

to be very easy to pull up and remove for Loba to collect for her village.


Bringing her body earthward by bending her knees all the way, both of her hands

grasped firmly the bottom of the plant, where the root of it was breaking free

from the grassy surface, and, using all her strength and might, attempted to pull

back upward, struggling to loose the plant from the surface of the forest floor.


All her strength amounted to nothing; the vegetation remained confined in the ground.


Loba was loaded with determination to retrieve this growth, so she decided to try again.


Bringing her body earthward by bending her knees all the way, both of her hands

grasped firmly the bottom of the plant, where the root of it was breaking free

from the grassy surface, and, using all her strength and might, attempted to pull

back upward, struggling to loose the plant from the surface of the forest floor.


All her strength amounted to nothing; the vegetation remained confined in the ground.


Loba was loaded with determination to retrieve this growth, so she decided to try again.


Bringing her body earthward by bending her knees all the way, both of her hands

grasped firmly the bottom of the plant, where the root of it was breaking free

from the grassy surface, and, using all her strength and might, attempted to pull

back upward, struggling to loose the plant from the surface of the forest floor.


All her strength amounted to nothing; the vegetation remained confined in the ground.


Loba was loaded with determination to retrieve this growth, so she decided to try again.


Bringing her body earthward by bending her knees all the way, both of her hands

grasped firmly the bottom of the plant, where the root of it was breaking free

from the grassy surface, and, using all her strength and might, attempted to pull

back upward, struggling to loose the plant from the surface of the forest floor.


All her strength amounted to nothing; the vegetation remained confined in the ground.


Loba was loaded with determination to retrieve this growth, so she decided to try again.


Bringing her body earthward by bending her knees all the way, both of her hands

grasped firmly the bottom of the plant, where the root of it was breaking free

from the grassy surface, and, using all her strength and might, attempted to pull

back upward, struggling to loose the plant from the surface of the forest floor.


All her strength amounted to nothing; the vegetation remained confined in the ground.


Loba was loaded with determination to retrieve this growth, so she decided to try again.


Bringing her body earthward by bending her knees all the way, both of her hands

grasped firmly the bottom of the plant, where the root of it was breaking free

from the grassy surface, and, using all her strength and might, attempted to pull

back upward, struggling to loose the plant from the surface of the forest floor.


All her strength amounted to nothing; the vegetation remained confined in the ground.


Loba was loaded with determination to retrieve this growth, so she decided to try again.


Bringing her body earthward by bending her knees all the way, both of her hands

grasped firmly the bottom of the plant, where the root of it was breaking free

from the grassy surface, and, using all her strength and might, attempted to pull

back upward, struggling to loose the plant from the surface of the forest floor.


All her strength amounted to nothing; the vegetation remained confined in the ground.


Loba was loaded with determination to retrieve this growth, so she decided to try again.


Bringing her body earthward by bending her knees all the way, both of her hands

grasped firmly the bottom of the plant, where the root of it was breaking free

from the grassy surface, and, using all her strength and might, attempted to pull

back upward, struggling to loose the plant from the surface of the forest floor.


All her strength, finally, freed the plant from the field of emerald blades.

However, doing so caused dark-haired Loba to fall onto the forest ground’s surface

intensely. While struggling to pick both the plant and herself back up again, her

eyes fell upon, for a moment lasting the length of time it would take for a bluejay

to flutter both its azure wings a single time while taking a mighty glide through

the great blue sky, the unadulterated daughter of Uáter reaching the apex of the

process of removing the curved portion of her toenail growing against her inner

muscular tissue and nervous system.


The goddess had finally removed the offending portion of the epidermal plate

upon her lower digit, giving a sigh of relief upon doing so, and tossed the curved

portion of the plate aside, now forever to be lost and forgotten somewhere in the

wood, when her holy gaze suddenly encountered that of Loba’s.


The maiden of the village quickly turned away from wholesome Pîur, but the time

for forgiveness and mercy had already decamped. Wrath had engulfed the heart

and the mind of the goddess of purity, with fear swallowing the thoughts of Loba

in a similar manner. The winds had blown all around the daughter of Uáter,

convulsing the lengthy branches of the trees, swaying the small shrubberies.


Pure Pîur, her once friendly eyes now radiating with terrible bright illumination,

stared down dark-haired Loba and picked up a small handful of blades of grass

from the forest floor, her glowing gaze never once moving away from the fearful

face of Loba, who fell upon the ground while retrieving a plant for her village.


“INSOLENT FOOL!” the cleanliness goddess vociferated, her single voice sounding

like hordes of people were yelling her words in a thunderous manner simultaneously,

“YOU DARE DISTURB ME, VIOLATE MY PRIVACY, AS I CARE TO PRIVATE MATTERS?”


Weak little Loba opened her mouth by a small fraction, hoping to explain what had

just occurred and that it wasn’t her place to impeded on a Jólian goddess attending

to her own matters, but untouched Pîur, clouded by rage, interrupted the village

local before she could get a word in edgewise, continuing, “NOW YOU WILL SPEND

YOUR REMAINING DAYS AS A FILTHY, NOMADIC CREATURE OF THE NIGHT

FOR WALKING IN AS I TRY TO REMOVE AN IN-GROWN TOENAIL!”


With this, Pîur threw the blades of grass in her hand with all her might, and they

landed on dark-haired Loba, cursing her with horrific alterations.

In the following days since this incident with fair Pîur, Loba had become destitute.


Her husband and children shunned her. She was exiled from her village and forced

to live in squalor in the desert. Loba, as punishment for disturbing the Jólian goddess

of cleanliness, was forced to attempt to make ends meet by looking around for men

with whom she could sleep for the night in exchange for some financial compensation.


There wasn’t a king or chief around who wanted Loba for the night in all of the yellow

desert, so she had to settle for some men of a lesser economic background. 


The mornings

after she made herself a man’s, the male would only pay a small amount of money for the

deed, leaving lacking Loba only just a minute fraction less insolvent than before.


The great mother goddess Ürt was pulled by her wheeled horses towards the

warm, bright realm of all-seeing Sån, hot daughter of Faír, and back towards

the dark domain of Mun the foot-born, from the fair noblewoman Chôstes,

with the rosy-fingered dawn flying before Mother Earth in between, several times,

and Loba, once an attractive young woman from the village of the forest, developed

considerable physical alterations upon all her body.


Her long black hair, once straight, now became disheveled, always looking as if

she had just awoken from her nice bed, although she now slept of the desert sands.


Where eyebrows of average size once lay now expanded beyond their original width,

with many extra hairs now protruding their borders, and the two almost connecting

with one another by means of an extra spot of bushy hair.


Hints of facial hair and stubble started to develop upon her countenance. Her clean

armpits now had thick blackness coming out of them, as well as out of her ears.


An overgrowth of bodily hair completely enveloped her pad melons and her clam.

Strands of black hair had grown all over her once bare body - her limbs, her chest,

her stomach. Where pearl white teeth once resided now were bony structures in

her jaws colored likewise to the pedal of a sunflower.

Pus-infused boils and bleached blue bruises were sprinkled all around her flesh,

with many boils congregating around both her sets of lips and her ring cavity.


Loba’s previously white eyes were now clouded in blush, with jagged crimson

vessels crawling along all sides of her viewing orbs.

Loba was now also giving off a repugnant aroma from all areas of her bosom.


The fetor flying through the air attracted many flies, their minuscule transparent pairs

of wings grinding against one another—that is, the respective pairs of minuscule transparent wings found on each individual fly, not all the insects miraculously rubbing one of

their own wing sets against those of another fly—producing the sound of a

chainsaw’s mechanics functioning, if only in a higher pitch.


The flies appeared as tiny black dots that speedily appeared at the scene

and vanished from view with the haste at which they originally appeared.

Only men slightly better than her, economically, would only lay with her for the night,

and even then, the men were extremely desperate to cure their libido and would

do whatever would be needed to alleviate their intense lust.


These were the new days and nights that befell and awaited Loba, being cursed

by the pure, clean Pîur after disturbing the goddess while she was removing an

in-grown toenail from the side of her holy digit.


However, there was an additional piece of the goddess’ curse on Loba, apart from

the now foul woman’s poverty. From since the goddess exercised her authority to

defend herself against the village woman who briefly bothered her to the present,

destitute unhygienic Loba would spend most of her nights as an escort for men

who rectify their lack of riches with their intense need for coitus.


But there are a fair amount of nights when sleeping with a man is impossible.


On such nights, it’s when the sky above appears engulfed by black Naít,

daughter of rayless Dãrc, regardless of whether the soft, cotton clouds,

born out of the Theorgy, as referenced in Book I (I think), are totally

covering the sky, just mere wisps of chalk dust above, or completely absent,

when foot-born Mun can be seen in all his glory, as a large pale white orb.

Whenever the complete Mun can be seen up above to men, illuminating the

dark night, Loba’s body begins to be altered, changing to a form different

from her human appearance. Every single yellow tooth in her mouth elongates,

creating sharp incisors. The plates on her fingers and toes, both totaling to

a single score thicken and turn more knifelike. Her head and limbs achingly

and sluggishly stretch and swell these fearful modifications.


New bones sprout within her lower backside, stretching her muscles tissue

and flesh to form a pointed, meaty tail. Her nose and mouth expand from the

physical limits of her face. Loba screams and cries out in severe discomfort,

but the voice turns not into her own. Instead, she is only able to roar and snarl

in a grave, monstrous voice, a fierce bellow that would cause terrible twins

Fìr and Tred, daughters of dark Dãrc, the son of the great, board Ürt, to fondle

the hearts and minds of even the most gallant of the most militant warriors.

Loba’s many body hairs protract in equal rate as fresh hairs protrude from

her drawn-out skin, as if they were in a competition to envelope any bare

spots on her before time ran out. Loba’s ears also shifted from the sides of

her head to the top sides of her head, growing more triangular.


On these nights where Mun is in full attendance when all-giving Ürt is being

pulled by her wheeled horses through the obsidian realm under the control

of the foot-born, this egregious, terrible transformation, as punishment for

bothering the clean goddess, the daughter born of Faír and only him alone,

when she wished not to be disturbed, would befall destitute Loba.


In her act of pestering unadulterated Pîur, black-haired Loba also ended up

being the progenitor of one of the most formidable and abhorrent monsters

known to all man. The species born of the accursed Loba are now known by

humans’ tongues as Jîumån-Úolbs; Loba is now known by man as the first-

ever created Jîumån-Úolf brought onto the earth, made to torment men.


The Epiflairy is designed to be parodic
and not intended for readers under the age of 18.

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